Are You My Mother?

by Adrienne Burton

Insight One: I Am Self – The leader of my internal system whose presence is compassionate wisdom.

The month of May has a day set aside to celebrate mothers. While some people are experiencing joy and gratitude during this holiday, there are also people that may experience grief and sadness. I for one have a mix of emotions present and this holiday brings to mind a book that I remember from my childhood entitled, “Are You My Mother?” by P.D. Eastman. In the story, a baby bird hatches from its egg while the mother bird is away from the nest, and finding itself alone, decides to go out to find its mother. The baby bird approaches a kitten, a hen, a dog, a cow, a boat, and a plane and each time asks “Are you my mother?” Each time the answer is no and the bird becomes anxious and worried, until finally the bird encounters a helper that returns it home to the nest to be reunited with its mother.

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Looking back on that story as an adult, I can see my own inner child part that was like that baby bird desperately going around seeking the mother that it wanted. Although my biological mother was always present in my life and offered so many reasons for me to celebrate her, she still didn’t quite match the image that my baby bird part was looking for. My mother was physically present and supportive, but emotionally unavailable, leaving my baby bird inner child part craving a nurturing mother. As I got older, when my baby bird part needed comfort, I had an addictive part step in and offer comfort through substances. At other times when that baby bird part wanted guidance and advice, another researcher part would step in and give me loads of information and data to feel more secure.

My work in both Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) and Internal Family Systems through PATH have helped me to discover the qualities of Self within me that can help me provide the parenting that my parts crave. The people in my life may not be able to meet my needs, but I have the clarity and confidence that the baby bird desires for guidance and I also have the compassion and connectedness to nurture those parts that need comfort. This year, I am celebrating the mothering aspect within my Self, and her growing capacity to meet my parts with love and care as the baby bird in me always wanted my mother to do.

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