Befriending Our Protective Parts

By Achara Tarfa

Insight Four: All parts are welcome – May I accept that they hold a positive intent

Do you have parts that remind you of your painful past? Parts that are afraid that if you focus on the good of your recovery journey or what's to come, you might experience pain again? These parts often work hard at reminding you of past suffering, perhaps to protect you from future disappointment.

As I sit here reflecting on my recovery journey, I'm feeling grateful for where my life is today. But part of me is still stuck in the past, reminiscing about the difficult path that brought me here. Let me introduce you to one of my critics, a part I call "36."

36 reminds me of the struggles, the choices I made that were more about numbing pain or pleasing others than caring for myself. She reminds me of painful memories and the fears that used to control my behaviors. She remembers the hard choices I had to make to start my life over — terrified, in debt, and alone with responsibilities that seemed overwhelming. She's harsh, and her reminders are difficult to sit with. Yet, as I practice being with her from a place of Self, I can feel her fear and worry, but I also feel a sense of calm and confidence because I am present in my recovery, living in the now.

There's another part of me, one doing cartwheels with excitement for the future in recovery. And I can feel love and compassion for both of them, for all parts of me.

So, I'm inviting 36 to trust me, to come along with me into the present moment of my recovery. And you know what? She's not interested in doing that. She's afraid of what might happen to me if she lets go of the vigilance, the protective mechanisms she's developed.

From a place of Self-energy, I gently show her the present—spending time with my family, building healthy relationships that I never experienced before. I'm showing her that despite how she feels, we didn't lose everything. The recovery journey has allowed me to create something new. I'm letting the excited part show her how I've grown in my healing journey, even becoming someone who can support others in their recovery.

And amidst all of this excitement, 36 speaks up, warning me not to get "too carried away" or hope too much because "it can all be taken away." She reminds me of the relapses, the setbacks, the disappointments that are part of any recovery journey. Tonight, I am working on befriending her so I can help her unburden the pain of the past and step into the new beginnings on the horizon.

Do you have a part like her in your recovery journey that you're interested in befriending? One that might be skeptical about recovery, afraid of hope, or constantly reminding you of past failures? One way we can befriend these protective parts from a place of Self is by externalizing them. Writing their words in a journal, drawing their images, or even recording their tone can give you space to notice what comes up in your body that prevents you from being with your parts in a compassionate way.

In recovery, we often focus on changing behaviors, but through an IFS lens, we learn to first connect with and understand the parts of us that drive those behaviors. When we approach our protective parts with curiosity instead of judgment, we create space for deep and lasting transformation.

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Achara Tarfa is a PATH Board Member and Facilitator, as well as a L3 IFS Practitioner, Certified Trauma Care Practitioner - Supervisor and Co-Founder of the Global Trauma Institute. To connect with Achara, click here.

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