Good Grief, Part 2

by Adrienne Burton

Insight Seven: May I heal my burdens - Which allows my parts to express their inherent gifts

Grieving often seems easier to understand when a loved one has passed away, but what about when we have lost someone that is still living? Perhaps it was the end of a romantic relationship or a rupture with a close friend. And what about a loss that we may have chosen like retiring from a job or leaving home to move to a new city for opportunity. Some scenarios where loss occurs may appear to be unworthy of grieving, yet can have profound impacts on the psyche and nervous system.

November is a complex month for me as it holds both the day of my mother’s birth and the day of her death. I have worked through a lot of grief over the passing of my mother 8 years ago and have come to enjoy a deeply spiritual connection with her now that transcends our physical experience together. Somehow though, this year the topic of grief kept showing itself to me and I was unclear as to what might be behind it.

On the day after Thanksgiving, I was talking with a friend and sharing about how nice it was to spend the holiday with new friends and learn more about their culture as they hosted me and my husband at their home. While, we did genuinely enjoy the day, I noticed a part that seemed to be dissociating from the positive feelings of the day. I paused during the conversation to get curious about this part. I heard this part say “It was good, but it wasn’t our family; it wasn’t home.” Soon a wave of tears rose up and I noticed another part that wanted to hold back the tears. My friend said, “It’s okay, let it out,” and the floodgates opened.

I was shocked by all the emotions that were present and memories of my childhood started to come up. Memories of a time where I felt loved and accepted just being myself. Memories of the foods we shared and the traditions we had. A part of me felt heartbroken that this was no longer my experience of neither my family, nor the holiday. Shortly after my mother passed away, there was a major rupture with a couple of members of my family that was never repaired. Parts of me felt betrayed and abandoned and deeply hurt by the others' behaviors. As a result, I made the choice to disconnect from those people who were unwilling to resolve the issues, which unfortunately disconnected me from the rest of my family.

At the time, the decision felt very empowered and supportive as I was early in recovery and practicing boundaries and self care. And while the decision still feels empowered and supportive, this experience helped me see that I had not taken the time to grieve the loss of my family in the way that I knew them. They are all still alive, but I have lost my connection to them. Also, after seeing their behavior patterns in a new light, I also lost the idea I had long held of who they were, and who I was in relationship with them. I made the decision to discontinue our relationship in favor of healthier connection, and I also have parts that are deeply saddened by the loss, even while having wonderful new experiences in their place.

There is still work to do within my system to process this grief and I will approach it like Thanksgiving dinner. I’ll put a little on my plate at a time, sit with it, let it digest and then take a break before I go back for more. Grief, like a large meal, cannot be eaten all at once. It’s best taken one bite at a time with space to digest and rest in between. For now, I am meeting my parts with curiosity and compassion, and making space for whatever comes up. May you also be able to meet your grief with the presence and patience you deserve.

PATH is hosting a workshop entitled "Strength in Our Stories: David Kerwin's Journey in Recovery" on Friday, December 20, 2024 at 12 pm EDT (recording available for limited time to registered participants). David will share candidly about his journey and recovery through physical, emotional and sexual abuse (including clergy). Registration is open and available by donation with all proceeds benefiting PATH. To register, visit: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/strength-in-our-stories-david-kerwins-recovery-journey-tickets-1094620592659?aff=oddtdtcreator&lang=en-us&locale=en_US&status=30&view=listing.

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